thelittlelovetoken

Did i tread the wrong path in the past? Was it doomed to end like this all from the beginning? Why? No one can give me a specific and rightful explanation. I'm hurt really terribly.

'Be Strong Vannie', I keep telling myself. But somehow, my tears never fail to betray me and find its way out of my eyes. Every single moment, i try to keep my tears back. I actually feel a sense of achievement that i could smile and laugh in front of everyone today. But this feeling didn't last long. When i am alone, i betrayed myself once again.

No point listening to any words of consolation or anything now. Cos nothing gets in. I can only reply : i know. Though deep in my heart, i don't. Not at all.

I've just lost someone so dear to me. And i'm still affected by the trauma. I feel like the person had passed away. Or rather gone to a far away place, and never to be my god brother again. "Kor", how i long to call you that again. I know i'll never have the chance to again.

I really missed the late night conversations we had. How we bitched about other people. How we crapped about nothing. How i told you about him. How you called me 'ah bee' in front of everyone in school. How you consoled me when i was down. How you lent me a listening ear when i needed one.

Those are just past memories.

Remember you told me you wanted to teach and bring me ice- skating? I guess this dream of mine will not be fufilled then. Then again, you told me, you can teach me. But not as a kor. Some may ask, why not? But i tell you it's different. Does anyone still think i dare talk and ask things as much as i want?

Why me? Why is all the unhappiness always befalling me? Guess i did something wrong. If i could do something to turn back the clock, i will. But now he doesn't want me as a mei anymore. I know that all. I'm always so unimportant to everyone. Not like i will believe anyone anymore if they tell me they do. I never want to believe again.

Why is happiness always shortlived? I kept asking myself this particular question. And my answer still lies with fate. Fate. I just believe in fate. It's all fate that he made this decision. It's fate that i was the unlucky one. It's fate that i became his mei. It all comes down to fate.

My heart still hurts. How deeply, I do not know. Guess it's like a bottomless pit. I fell once again. And i don't have the strength to pull myself up now. I feel like i'm choking. This holiday was meant to be the best in my lifetime. But until yesterday. The decision struck all of a sudden. Not my decision. His.

I don't need anyone's sympathy now. Cos i'm down, But definitely not out. I'll pull myself up one day. But not sure when. I'll leave everything to fate.

Pathetic. That's how i feel now. I feel so pathetic, but i want no one's sympathy. I'll wipe my tears off and live. I have so much more to say, but i don't know how to start. Keep them in my heart and cry them out. That's the only way...

Thank you felicia for being there for me when i was so down. Thank you meihwa for concerning.

In any case that you read this kor, I just wanna thank you for all you have done for me. I really appreciated.

love, vannie. (4:57 PM)

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