thelittlelovetoken

I feel so fake.

I'm doing things against my own will yet it seems so real. And the worse thing is that I don't seem to realise it till I'm here to pour out my feelings.

Somehow, listening to other's talk about their school is not very nice. Especially when you are not with any of them to experience them. That really hurts when you have to pretend nothing's happening and that you're perfectly fine.

Don't tell me not to cry, cos it's really hard to keep everything inside. I want to tell you all my real feelings. But I cannot bring myself to do it. I don't want to bother anyone of you. Nothing feels right though.

While giving tuition to my brother this afternoon, many times I pretended to cry. Actually I was on the brink of breaking down already. Time and again, I told my brother how lonely I am. I have no one to turn to. Everyone's busy with their things and stuffs. It's not that I don't understand. I understand what you all are going through. It just didn't seem right that i'm different.

We have no common topics to talk about anymore. I won't understand what you all are talking. You all will not understand whatever I'm saying. We're all so different now. It's so difficult to smile.

I feel like I'm some kind of weird being who'll change only when night time comes. I just come back to my TRUE self. That is the only time when I can be true to myself. Or rather is true to myself. When I wake up, everything's fake again.

I woke up early today and messaged Meihwa and Felicia to tell them to enjoy their day at school, and to assure that everything will be fine. I even set the alarm clock to do so. In the messages, I may seem okay. However. I don't feel good at all. I yearn to go school with you all. Then again. As I said earlier, I don't seem to realise I'm wrong. But seeing them happy that I messaged and cared, it made my heart glow.

I feel so out of place. My life seemed to be in a mess. A small problem but a really great impact. I don't know how to face it bravely like I have always done so well the past few months. Things just seem to shift places overnight. It's hard to adapt and live through it.

love, vannie. (3:37 PM)

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